Day with an Idiot - Episode 2 "The Perfect Dosa"

It had been hours since my last meal, almost a day. I had missed my lunch, and, dinner, both, the previous day, and was super hungry. It was 11:30 AM and it’d been 3 hours since I'd woken up. Days were so busy then, thanks to my workplace and even weekends needed me to go to office for some reason or the other. Skipping lunch, sleep, Dinner now and then was frequent and routine. But, when hunger used to strike - I treated myself to the glory of savoring. I used to either cook something tasty or go out and have a feast with my humble roommate Vijay and Kalyan in Pune.

  Well, this time it was different. Why? I had the great Ranjan staying with me and Vijay, as our 1st Guest Roomie, staying for free! He didn’t even want to pay the share of his rent, (what a f***kin looser) we still let him be our roommate! Oh I have made such terrible mistakes in my life. Infact, everyday we had to put up with all his Lectures and free advise in Butler hindi and English. Vijay used to literally pray to god for not getting himself in the way of Ranjan. Even the Apartment watchmen used to shoo Ranjan away or hide themselves from getting into the way of overdozed hypnotization. None were spared from his wizardly mental malfunction of silly topics. His advice were never ending, like theory of relativity, he had his own relative theory to every topic, every thing in this world…. he can redefine physics, chemistry and maths all at once. One of his all time best advise used to be “you should woke up early and have your dinner on time” now how can u have dinner early in the morning? none of us ever understood it what he meant, may be he meant breakfast, (I guess) it was a bhool bhulaiiya of Past and Future tenses going wrong left and never right, but, we pay for it by simply nodding and agreeing to whatever he said. “you should woke up early and have your dinner on time otherwise hair will loose, eyes got spects, sleep problem and lot of other issues come, see, see, that’s why I am not wearing chashma, my eyes are so good, I sleep well and eat well” Well, he was semi bald himself and he is the one to have all problems with sleep, dreams and not to mention the loud surround sound monstrous snoring. He sleeps like a Hippo in a swamp, with his mouth wide open, legs snatched and spread like a kangaroo, and sounding as if he is a PIG and always the last one to wake up and I strongly believed he has Night blindness with the way he kept bumping himself into everything everywhere he went after dark. Plus even a mosquito bite would get him fever, he would sneeze like a grinder when he used to sniff on dust everyday while the maid swept the floor! He is impossible.

I came to the kitchen, looking at Maggi, I was imagining the pleasure of those smooth noodles fondling with my tongue before they go down my Esophagus and then to stomach, but, I was sure that our nobel deserving roomie would not let us just make what we like and eat. No. No way things were so easy when he was around. Me and Vijay usually have Maggi on weekends and its not a bad thing for us. It filled us well and prepare us for a late lunch. It was our most powerful survival technique. But, BUT!!!!!! – Ranjan, wanted to show us how to make Dosa! Well Dosa also would fit into my scrumptious delicacy, the idea of Dosa made me even hungrier. I mean who doesn’t want Dosa instead of Maggi? He said “I make the most thinnest and the most crispiest of the dosa ever, even my wife cant you know?” and he started giggling as if he wanted me to applaud, kiss his hand and look at him as if I had seen GOD himself and worship him for the next 20 minutes. He continued  “one day I challenged my wife, she made dosa, I make dosa, we both ate, she was shocked, my dosa was the best, the very crispy crispy and fulllllll thin” Yeah Right – I thought. Poor wife. I was sure even his wife pretended to agree, otherwise he would not leave her without proving himself better. I didn’t have a choice as usual, I am not assertive at times– my fault. I looked at Vijay and we both nodded. “come lets make dosa, I will teach you also, hey Vijay u want to learn?” As if he was giving IIT JEE Coaching. “you want to learn” BALLS!! F*** YOU! I don’t want to LEARN, HELL NO! but, sadly, we’re good boys – politeness was filled in our blood, damn! We just nodded to him and said yes, as if its like “yeah very exciting, I too want to learn, plz plz plz teach me” he was like Jackie chan in Karate Kid teachin us how to make Dosa. Finally the moment had come  for me and Vijay to learn how to drive the spaceship to Mars, we were getting free training on Rocket Science. Vijay looked at me, I was holding my laugh literally with the power of universe yet it was hard, and he said “no Ranjan, I have to go to bathroom” he escaped! Chaalu bugger, he always did that, smart stuff. I got stuck in the hands of the world’s most  unfathomable idiot!

      “Oh put some more maida, and add some wheat. Go to the reliance shop and ask for “gingelly oil” its very tasty. Also put some Rice flour, the components should be in 60, 20, 20 format, only then you will get taste. I was 3 yrs old when I made my first Dosa”First of all I am not his assistant, “HE” wanted to make dosa. Everytime he uttered a word, I had my jaw constantly dropped to the ground. He expected that I gave him that pleasure of awe, “wow he is so great” expression. He continued “see see the colour should be yellow, put some haldi if it does not turn yellow” Alright Mr. Bean, I will I will I said to myself. You keep the pan on the fire, heat it up, I am almost done making the dough. Finally the pan was hot, he poured the first dosa. CHHHSHHHHHHHH, he kept rotating, rotating, using a bowl and was checking the thickness of the dosa. This was Dosa no1. After 2 minutes, He tried to pry up the dosa, it had already become a part of the PAN. The Atoms in the Dosa dough had made a covalent bond with the atoms on the surface of the PAN and had integrated itself to it, like it was glued to it or something. There was no way it could come up. Ranjan said “oh the heat is very much, you over heated it” ME? I OVERHEATED IT? SICKO FRANTIC ***LICKING WHACKO I OVERHEATED IT? YOU LIT THE FIRE YOU ASS NOT ME! I WAS JUST WATCHING I thought… but I replied “oh is it? My bad, sorry, lets try another one, this time you heat it yourself”

   I was still hungry, it was lunch time still no magi, no dosa, still nothing. Here came the second dosa. This time the temperature was at its perfect, it was measured multiple times, the thickness of the Dosa dough was proportional according to Dr. Ranjan. He poured the second dosa as if he is a Scientist and he just invented a life saving drug. But to his surprise, the second dosa also got integrated to the Pan. Then came the third, the fourth which got burnt to hell. I was sure that Dosa turned out to be a super Flop. Fifth came, sixth came. The pan had become unusable, it couldn’t take any more of Abuse from Our Ranjan. Finally after making a pile of torn semibaked Glue type dosas he gave up. Vijay was already on his way to get something to eat from outside. He was smart.

 While Vijay was away, we decided to clean the mess. Ranjan took his Dosa’s down, for the first time he didn’t talk and I started to clean the stove. I felt how peaceful life could get when he is not around. He went down the apartment, I was thinking he is going to dig it up bury down the dosas, pray for them do its funeral and come back because they looked like a crow’s dead body, trust me I could even see a Beak and a bird shaped roll as if a black bird had died in a war with its wings open, as if a soldier bird had died for victory. Well he was back in the apartment within minutes after dumping the Dosa. Vijay brought us some Chapati and Dal from our regular restaurant and finally, FINALLY, I had myself filled with some food. Oh boy what a relief when you get to eat when you’re hungry.

        That evening something happened, which I cant forget. Ever! I think the National geographic should’ve been there to capture what happened next. While I was thinking that the Dosa episode was just over, well it wasn’t.

Ranjan again wanted to shop, we went down to the store next to our Apartment. He asked for around 15 items and purchased only 2. I cared a damn, I thought he wanted me to be his judge for product quality testing. On our way back, we saw a Dog, looking at Ranjan with Angst. He was not barking, but kind of giving a stare and a question mark as to saying “WHY, WHY ME?” types. Well, dogs are weird. They do stuff we wont understand I thought. He quickly ran, and he came back. VOILA!! I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EYES! That DOG had the DOSAS in its mouth and a couple of other Dogs with grave anger in them coming towards Ranjan!!

The Stray Dogs at our Aptmnt who ate Ranjans Dosa

       I could guess it the moment I saw the same Dosa which Ranjan had made In that Dogs mouth. This dog had tried to share it with other dogs, but it would not tear or break – it was very hard for them. Poor dogs. They thought they had a meal when they were hungry, but instead they got a pile of rubber! It looked like they didnt take the disappointment too well.They had so much of a trouble eating the dosa. l after cooling down, it had become like glue, “mazbooth jod” one of those types which could be used by companies like Fevicol. One dog still had one part of the Dosa stuck in his mouth and appeared to be the most troubled dog of all. He was crying, and Grrrrrrrring, barking, venting - HOWLING I don’t know what but he sure appeared to die within few minutes, but, boy you can say the pack was angry. They threw the dosa aside and started incessantly barking as if they had so much to say. I felt like they were earthquake victims, lost their family and now they are crying and venting out all their pain. Boy I don’t know how much Ranjan’s Dosas had screwed their appetite and digestive systems, but they were one angry pack. Grrrrr Grrrrrrr showin their teeth and canine they stood at one place with dosas kept down looking at Ranjan. You wont believe, but its true, this really happened.

     We stood shocked for a while, Ranjan thought the Dogs have gone crazy – as if he was not responsible for it, as if he had done nothing! Son of a B**** .  One dog had the sorrow of the universe, he was expressing it to the other dogs. I too felt like crying listening to his plight. I felt very sorry for them. I felt sorry further more realizing they were not going to bite Ranjan. They had decided to let go, may be because they already bit off something they couldn’t chew and they didn’t want to bite this idiot and suffer further more. Wise decision the dogs took I thought. If only they had been wise enough not to eat dosa, well, I wasn’t any different. Like the Dogs, I was too hungry at one time and was all ready to eat the Dosa. Can you believe it, the Dogs gave up on the Dosa, left it for good and went back after venting all curses and words at Ranjan. I am sure one of those barking would’ve meant “ What a creation you are, you Rascal. You don’t deserve to be existing in this world. I wonder how your family tolerates you. You have not just troubled me, but tortured my entire pack of Dogs. I will let you for because of the goodness of Doghood, but I pray may god punish you with a lot of pain and torture and bite you in the wrong place – RGDS BOW BOW”

“Phew!” I thought. Thank god I didn’t eat that the Dosa, otherwise I wasn’t sure I would be even have enough life left to spend in the ICU! Bachgaya!! God is great, Ranjan is a waste!!

Hope you all enjoyed it and had a good laugh, sorry for rolling out Episode 2 so late. Episode 3 would not be late. These are all real stories and I have more to write and after the first episode was published, I met many who have encountered Ranjan in their own fate and they all have some tremendously exemplary stories and tit-bits about him. So I will have all of them published. Thank you for all the support. Have fun.