Day with an Idiot - Episode 2 "The Perfect Dosa"

It had been hours since my last meal, almost a day. I had missed my lunch, and, dinner, both, the previous day, and was super hungry. It was 11:30 AM and it’d been 3 hours since I'd woken up. Days were so busy then, thanks to my workplace and even weekends needed me to go to office for some reason or the other. Skipping lunch, sleep, Dinner now and then was frequent and routine. But, when hunger used to strike - I treated myself to the glory of savoring. I used to either cook something tasty or go out and have a feast with my humble roommate Vijay and Kalyan in Pune.

  Well, this time it was different. Why? I had the great Ranjan staying with me and Vijay, as our 1st Guest Roomie, staying for free! He didn’t even want to pay the share of his rent, (what a f***kin looser) we still let him be our roommate! Oh I have made such terrible mistakes in my life. Infact, everyday we had to put up with all his Lectures and free advise in Butler hindi and English. Vijay used to literally pray to god for not getting himself in the way of Ranjan. Even the Apartment watchmen used to shoo Ranjan away or hide themselves from getting into the way of overdozed hypnotization. None were spared from his wizardly mental malfunction of silly topics. His advice were never ending, like theory of relativity, he had his own relative theory to every topic, every thing in this world…. he can redefine physics, chemistry and maths all at once. One of his all time best advise used to be “you should woke up early and have your dinner on time” now how can u have dinner early in the morning? none of us ever understood it what he meant, may be he meant breakfast, (I guess) it was a bhool bhulaiiya of Past and Future tenses going wrong left and never right, but, we pay for it by simply nodding and agreeing to whatever he said. “you should woke up early and have your dinner on time otherwise hair will loose, eyes got spects, sleep problem and lot of other issues come, see, see, that’s why I am not wearing chashma, my eyes are so good, I sleep well and eat well” Well, he was semi bald himself and he is the one to have all problems with sleep, dreams and not to mention the loud surround sound monstrous snoring. He sleeps like a Hippo in a swamp, with his mouth wide open, legs snatched and spread like a kangaroo, and sounding as if he is a PIG and always the last one to wake up and I strongly believed he has Night blindness with the way he kept bumping himself into everything everywhere he went after dark. Plus even a mosquito bite would get him fever, he would sneeze like a grinder when he used to sniff on dust everyday while the maid swept the floor! He is impossible.

I came to the kitchen, looking at Maggi, I was imagining the pleasure of those smooth noodles fondling with my tongue before they go down my Esophagus and then to stomach, but, I was sure that our nobel deserving roomie would not let us just make what we like and eat. No. No way things were so easy when he was around. Me and Vijay usually have Maggi on weekends and its not a bad thing for us. It filled us well and prepare us for a late lunch. It was our most powerful survival technique. But, BUT!!!!!! – Ranjan, wanted to show us how to make Dosa! Well Dosa also would fit into my scrumptious delicacy, the idea of Dosa made me even hungrier. I mean who doesn’t want Dosa instead of Maggi? He said “I make the most thinnest and the most crispiest of the dosa ever, even my wife cant you know?” and he started giggling as if he wanted me to applaud, kiss his hand and look at him as if I had seen GOD himself and worship him for the next 20 minutes. He continued  “one day I challenged my wife, she made dosa, I make dosa, we both ate, she was shocked, my dosa was the best, the very crispy crispy and fulllllll thin” Yeah Right – I thought. Poor wife. I was sure even his wife pretended to agree, otherwise he would not leave her without proving himself better. I didn’t have a choice as usual, I am not assertive at times– my fault. I looked at Vijay and we both nodded. “come lets make dosa, I will teach you also, hey Vijay u want to learn?” As if he was giving IIT JEE Coaching. “you want to learn” BALLS!! F*** YOU! I don’t want to LEARN, HELL NO! but, sadly, we’re good boys – politeness was filled in our blood, damn! We just nodded to him and said yes, as if its like “yeah very exciting, I too want to learn, plz plz plz teach me” he was like Jackie chan in Karate Kid teachin us how to make Dosa. Finally the moment had come  for me and Vijay to learn how to drive the spaceship to Mars, we were getting free training on Rocket Science. Vijay looked at me, I was holding my laugh literally with the power of universe yet it was hard, and he said “no Ranjan, I have to go to bathroom” he escaped! Chaalu bugger, he always did that, smart stuff. I got stuck in the hands of the world’s most  unfathomable idiot!

      “Oh put some more maida, and add some wheat. Go to the reliance shop and ask for “gingelly oil” its very tasty. Also put some Rice flour, the components should be in 60, 20, 20 format, only then you will get taste. I was 3 yrs old when I made my first Dosa”First of all I am not his assistant, “HE” wanted to make dosa. Everytime he uttered a word, I had my jaw constantly dropped to the ground. He expected that I gave him that pleasure of awe, “wow he is so great” expression. He continued “see see the colour should be yellow, put some haldi if it does not turn yellow” Alright Mr. Bean, I will I will I said to myself. You keep the pan on the fire, heat it up, I am almost done making the dough. Finally the pan was hot, he poured the first dosa. CHHHSHHHHHHHH, he kept rotating, rotating, using a bowl and was checking the thickness of the dosa. This was Dosa no1. After 2 minutes, He tried to pry up the dosa, it had already become a part of the PAN. The Atoms in the Dosa dough had made a covalent bond with the atoms on the surface of the PAN and had integrated itself to it, like it was glued to it or something. There was no way it could come up. Ranjan said “oh the heat is very much, you over heated it” ME? I OVERHEATED IT? SICKO FRANTIC ***LICKING WHACKO I OVERHEATED IT? YOU LIT THE FIRE YOU ASS NOT ME! I WAS JUST WATCHING I thought… but I replied “oh is it? My bad, sorry, lets try another one, this time you heat it yourself”

   I was still hungry, it was lunch time still no magi, no dosa, still nothing. Here came the second dosa. This time the temperature was at its perfect, it was measured multiple times, the thickness of the Dosa dough was proportional according to Dr. Ranjan. He poured the second dosa as if he is a Scientist and he just invented a life saving drug. But to his surprise, the second dosa also got integrated to the Pan. Then came the third, the fourth which got burnt to hell. I was sure that Dosa turned out to be a super Flop. Fifth came, sixth came. The pan had become unusable, it couldn’t take any more of Abuse from Our Ranjan. Finally after making a pile of torn semibaked Glue type dosas he gave up. Vijay was already on his way to get something to eat from outside. He was smart.

 While Vijay was away, we decided to clean the mess. Ranjan took his Dosa’s down, for the first time he didn’t talk and I started to clean the stove. I felt how peaceful life could get when he is not around. He went down the apartment, I was thinking he is going to dig it up bury down the dosas, pray for them do its funeral and come back because they looked like a crow’s dead body, trust me I could even see a Beak and a bird shaped roll as if a black bird had died in a war with its wings open, as if a soldier bird had died for victory. Well he was back in the apartment within minutes after dumping the Dosa. Vijay brought us some Chapati and Dal from our regular restaurant and finally, FINALLY, I had myself filled with some food. Oh boy what a relief when you get to eat when you’re hungry.

        That evening something happened, which I cant forget. Ever! I think the National geographic should’ve been there to capture what happened next. While I was thinking that the Dosa episode was just over, well it wasn’t.

Ranjan again wanted to shop, we went down to the store next to our Apartment. He asked for around 15 items and purchased only 2. I cared a damn, I thought he wanted me to be his judge for product quality testing. On our way back, we saw a Dog, looking at Ranjan with Angst. He was not barking, but kind of giving a stare and a question mark as to saying “WHY, WHY ME?” types. Well, dogs are weird. They do stuff we wont understand I thought. He quickly ran, and he came back. VOILA!! I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EYES! That DOG had the DOSAS in its mouth and a couple of other Dogs with grave anger in them coming towards Ranjan!!

The Stray Dogs at our Aptmnt who ate Ranjans Dosa

       I could guess it the moment I saw the same Dosa which Ranjan had made In that Dogs mouth. This dog had tried to share it with other dogs, but it would not tear or break – it was very hard for them. Poor dogs. They thought they had a meal when they were hungry, but instead they got a pile of rubber! It looked like they didnt take the disappointment too well.They had so much of a trouble eating the dosa. l after cooling down, it had become like glue, “mazbooth jod” one of those types which could be used by companies like Fevicol. One dog still had one part of the Dosa stuck in his mouth and appeared to be the most troubled dog of all. He was crying, and Grrrrrrrring, barking, venting - HOWLING I don’t know what but he sure appeared to die within few minutes, but, boy you can say the pack was angry. They threw the dosa aside and started incessantly barking as if they had so much to say. I felt like they were earthquake victims, lost their family and now they are crying and venting out all their pain. Boy I don’t know how much Ranjan’s Dosas had screwed their appetite and digestive systems, but they were one angry pack. Grrrrr Grrrrrrr showin their teeth and canine they stood at one place with dosas kept down looking at Ranjan. You wont believe, but its true, this really happened.

     We stood shocked for a while, Ranjan thought the Dogs have gone crazy – as if he was not responsible for it, as if he had done nothing! Son of a B**** .  One dog had the sorrow of the universe, he was expressing it to the other dogs. I too felt like crying listening to his plight. I felt very sorry for them. I felt sorry further more realizing they were not going to bite Ranjan. They had decided to let go, may be because they already bit off something they couldn’t chew and they didn’t want to bite this idiot and suffer further more. Wise decision the dogs took I thought. If only they had been wise enough not to eat dosa, well, I wasn’t any different. Like the Dogs, I was too hungry at one time and was all ready to eat the Dosa. Can you believe it, the Dogs gave up on the Dosa, left it for good and went back after venting all curses and words at Ranjan. I am sure one of those barking would’ve meant “ What a creation you are, you Rascal. You don’t deserve to be existing in this world. I wonder how your family tolerates you. You have not just troubled me, but tortured my entire pack of Dogs. I will let you for because of the goodness of Doghood, but I pray may god punish you with a lot of pain and torture and bite you in the wrong place – RGDS BOW BOW”

“Phew!” I thought. Thank god I didn’t eat that the Dosa, otherwise I wasn’t sure I would be even have enough life left to spend in the ICU! Bachgaya!! God is great, Ranjan is a waste!!

Hope you all enjoyed it and had a good laugh, sorry for rolling out Episode 2 so late. Episode 3 would not be late. These are all real stories and I have more to write and after the first episode was published, I met many who have encountered Ranjan in their own fate and they all have some tremendously exemplary stories and tit-bits about him. So I will have all of them published. Thank you for all the support. Have fun.

Day with an Idiot - Episode 1

Woke up, checked the time, it was 4:00 AM and still few hours left before I reached Kacheguda Station. My upper berth was surprisingly cozy and comfortable. Fact was that I was dreaming about meeting  my wife, who was then just my Girlfriend, so everything was pleasant and beautiful. I continued to dream of meeting her, celebrating her birthday, a candle light dinner by the side of the pool, looking at her smile, holding her hands..... I just didn’t want to come out of those thoughts at all. I was very eager to meet her and so she was. At 4:30, my cell phone rang. I was very quick to grab it from my pocket and answer the call, I had a guess that she would call me too, perhaps she might be missing me too. Being so sure of my guess, I did not even see the phone display to see who is calling, I answered the call with a lot of excitement and Love - "Hello, Hey, how are you?" but for my Surprise from the other side a male hoarse, gravelly voice with a strong ugly MTI said “WHERE ARE YOU?” Well I did not even take a moment to realize it was Ranjan (Name Changed).

   Ranjaneswaran, alias Ranjan as we all know, is a supercilious, haughty man, aged around 32-33, a Tamilian from Chennai who is so overconfident about everything about himself that he seconds Rajanikanth. He can fix anything, screw anything. He is a blemish to any situation. About 5’8 Ft tall, dark, and has a felony look on his face always, as if he was just being molested by someone. He loves giving free gyan to people in Butler English, which is completely broken, as if he has molested English, raped to its core,  without realizing that everyone is just bearing him. His grammar can only be interpreted by very few, he calls it encryption. If an Englishman would listen to the way he talks he would want to shoot him right in the head. I answered to his call “Oh Hi Ranjan, I don’t know where I am, I am in the upper berth, not sure what stations have passed by.” Ranjan replied with the same Mother Tongue Influence “No Problem, I will call you later by 6 AM. I will come to the station to pick you up, needing little help from you” Well, I had someone offering me a drop home, and moreover He was my SME at office, I couldn’t say NO. I replied “Alright Ranjan, thank you”. I went back to sleep, no more mellow thoughts.

  After freshing up, stood near the door of the Train, watching the fields, the sunrise, clear sky and was sipping tea when the Phone rang again, at sharp 6:00 AM. This time no wrong guesses, I was sure it was Ranjan. “Hi Ranjan, I think its still a long way to Kacheguda, I don’t know where I am – haven’t passed a station yet” Ranjan replied “I will come to Nampally Station man, you get down there man” I acknowledged “Surething Ranjan, that’s very kind of you” then came his question again, and all his questions are dumb ones “Where are you now?” I said “I don’t know where I am – I haven’t crossed any station yet, when I will find out I will text you” Ranjan would not give up right at that, he always has a point to prove that he is smart. NO NO He wants to prove he is the smartest. He added “Alright what do you see outside, big rock or small rock man?” , I was wondering what type of a question is that? I mean what would anyone see outside of a train in a country side? I replied “I see trees and farms and some mountains” Ranjan said “Okay, the mountains are very far?” I replied “Yes, I think so” I didn’t want him to ask me next how far are the mountains or how clear is the sky etc.,., Ranjan responded “The trees, the trees are tall ones with a lot of leaves or short dry thorny ones” What a genius, I replied “No Ranjan, they are jus trees, I guess with lot of leaves” Then he said a name of a place and said “Oh okay, you are near XYZ place, it will take an hour to reach, I will call you then”.

  Phew. Went back to my berth, sat back and started reading Dan Brown’s Da Vinci, Ranjan had his effect on people. I was already feeling like never to talk to him again in my entire life. He was relocating to Pune after my team had made numerous complaints against him to the Management who had decided to send him away from all and give him something else to which he might fit. Boy, I thought that would only be a mental asylum where he would fit in, he seriously needed medical attention and a psychologist's advise. To add to this, I had given him a place to stay in my room in Pune for an entire month and a half for free, plus had made arrangements so that he could keep his Car in my neighbour’s parking space. I was worried how I will bear him for that long and what will my other roommate say. Well, I sometimes overshow care and respect perhaps knowing this guy was an annoying intolerable junk. 

Phone rang again, “WHERE ARE YOU?” was the same common question,  I replied “Ranjan I crossed Vikrabad junction” I thought since he is so familiar with the trees and birds and landscape he would as well know the station, but to my surprise he added “Vikrabad? – what? Oh no! Are you in the right train? You get Vikrabad when you go to Delhi” I was dumbstruck with his question. I was sure I am in the right train, but was not sure if I was talking to the right person. Well I replied “Ranjan, I will call you when I reach, I will come home by myself, don’t worry I am in the right Train” by the time I could complete “oh yes yes, I just saw in google, you are in the right train, and only 30 km away from the station. Fine, there is an expected train crossing, usually they stop there. So I will start late, you call me”

 I reached Nampally, I got down, called Ranjan “Hi Ranjan, I reached the Nampally station” His probing skills still continued “Which side are you, there is a SBI ATM on one side and a PAN Shop on the otherside. If you see a big mango tree then come to the other side where you don’t see the tree but an SBI ATM” I said alright. I found the SBI ATM, Exited the station, and after waiting for 40 minutes, Ranjan arrived in his golden hatchback Hyundai Santro.  He gave me that smile with unbrushed slimy yellow teeth sparkling between his dry black lips from the windshield of his car, as if he was advertising his ill hygiene and I smiled back and got in the car. He didnt wait to boast and he said “ I was fast no, see? I came in 10 minutes, I am very good at driving, in 3 years, I have never put the break even once. I control the car in gear only” I didn’t know what to say, how to react, I decided to agree, may be he never used the breaks because he drove very slow or very less, may be, so I replied “very well Ranjan, no wonder you are a pro, you’re so amazing, yes, you came in 9.9 minutes. (as if I had a timer on, In fact I had waited for a goddamn 40 minutes, I would’ve gone home half an hour ago if I had walked you moron). Note that it was my first driving experience with him. He got all pumped up with my comment, rather with my flatter. Michael Schumacher got into him and he started driving like a “MANIAC” . in the small lane where cows and dogs are not the only commuters, you could see tones of hyderabadis and rough rogue ones swarming the streets as if they are on a mission to destroy earth with a stampede.

Nothing could dampen our never use break hero Ranjan. He still drove, maneuvering the car between people, drifting around the ever slow cows, yelling at the Auto rickshawalas, he somehow managed to retain his cadre and reputation of driving superstar. But for me, I was holding onto everything I could in the car, I felt I will die. He never stopped honking with a split second gap, He was pressing the horn as if it was a piano and he was the fastest player. He was going all over the place, jumping all the road hump, skidding at the potholes, oh it was a nightmare for me. He yelled at almost everyone I would rather go to a theme park for a thrill, why did I even sit in his car? At one point, he almost ran over an old lady, almost. The car just brushed her arms and surprisingly she was fast for her age, she reacted to the incoming car and jumped away to safety and started yelling all curses and bad words at Ranjan, by the tone I understood her words were really dirty, very sick and thought something terrible is about to happen. Ranjan “What a horrible city, everything here is bad. SecunderaBAD, HyderaBAD, no power, no water, and all illiterate people” I thought, how illiterate he could be, he would top the list of negligent inhumane moron drivers list ever.

We entered the BHEL-Chandanagar street, the road was wide as it’s NH11, traffic got a bit easy and less dense, but his honking got faster and faster. I could feel that his honking is directly proportional to the Blood Pressure of his heart. The higher his pulserate was getting the higher he was getting on his Temper. I pitied the horn, and I wished that it will forever malfunction and stop honking and may be he will learn to drive like a civilized man. Honking get even hotter when a Bike guy did not leave him any space on the right. Though there was so much of a space, Ranjan wanted to teach the bike guy a lesson. When he honks the rest of the world should park their vehicles away and not drive. According to him he should be the only one driving on the road. He would honk even if he detects a microbacteria on his path.

  Poor bike guy now had to confront, but, he had a power which Ranjan did not have. He was a Hyderabadi, they don’t hear honks or respond to it. No matter how tough one gets, Hyderabadis get tougher than the other, they are literally thickskinned. If there would be a war, hire Hyderabadis they will win against anyone. The biker did not give Ranjan any space or show any response to his maniac nonstop horn. Ranjan tried all type of combinational Rhythmic horn. But he was high on temper. I thought he will murder the Biker and eat him. The way his hands were impatiently punching the steering, I could feel the hit on the biker’s face. He was sweating and breathing hard, grasping the steering hard and punching it with his right hand, he kept beating it as if it was the biker’s face. Ranjan tored down the steering action as if he was ripping the intestines out of that Biker.

  Finally Biker gave up, to my surprise, he left way for Ranjan to go. Ranjan was still full with Rage, angry, and in destruction mode. He lowered the window and I thought he will use a BC or a MC curse or use a Tamil Gaali and something dirty will come out from a MAN afterall who has never hit the break was made to hit the break for the first time in 3 years. His reputation was at stake, I was watching. I was sure Ranjan would stop the biker, punch him, eat him, destroy or murder him with a lot of Gaalis. He started saying BBBB bbbbb mmmbbbbb bbbbmmmmm, I though hez trying to say a Behan C*** or a Madar C**** bBBbMMMBBB He put his head out of the window and all he said was “YOU BUFFALO!!!” and that too after the biker had gone far far away. He picked me up cuz he wanted money to shift his house from Hyderabad to Pune.

I understood this guy is a Coward, lunatic, big headed egomaniac who yaps off himself, boasting stupid guy. I could never forget this ride and I would forever want to keep away from this idiot who recognizes trees, who never hits the brakes, how is a superhero Rajanikanth. There will be more stories of this lunatic which I have encountered. Will share them all, hope you all had a good laugh. Feel free to leave your comments.