Day with an Idiot - Episode 1

Woke up, checked the time, it was 4:00 AM and still few hours left before I reached Kacheguda Station. My upper berth was surprisingly cozy and comfortable. Fact was that I was dreaming about meeting  my wife, who was then just my Girlfriend, so everything was pleasant and beautiful. I continued to dream of meeting her, celebrating her birthday, a candle light dinner by the side of the pool, looking at her smile, holding her hands..... I just didn’t want to come out of those thoughts at all. I was very eager to meet her and so she was. At 4:30, my cell phone rang. I was very quick to grab it from my pocket and answer the call, I had a guess that she would call me too, perhaps she might be missing me too. Being so sure of my guess, I did not even see the phone display to see who is calling, I answered the call with a lot of excitement and Love - "Hello, Hey, how are you?" but for my Surprise from the other side a male hoarse, gravelly voice with a strong ugly MTI said “WHERE ARE YOU?” Well I did not even take a moment to realize it was Ranjan (Name Changed).

   Ranjaneswaran, alias Ranjan as we all know, is a supercilious, haughty man, aged around 32-33, a Tamilian from Chennai who is so overconfident about everything about himself that he seconds Rajanikanth. He can fix anything, screw anything. He is a blemish to any situation. About 5’8 Ft tall, dark, and has a felony look on his face always, as if he was just being molested by someone. He loves giving free gyan to people in Butler English, which is completely broken, as if he has molested English, raped to its core,  without realizing that everyone is just bearing him. His grammar can only be interpreted by very few, he calls it encryption. If an Englishman would listen to the way he talks he would want to shoot him right in the head. I answered to his call “Oh Hi Ranjan, I don’t know where I am, I am in the upper berth, not sure what stations have passed by.” Ranjan replied with the same Mother Tongue Influence “No Problem, I will call you later by 6 AM. I will come to the station to pick you up, needing little help from you” Well, I had someone offering me a drop home, and moreover He was my SME at office, I couldn’t say NO. I replied “Alright Ranjan, thank you”. I went back to sleep, no more mellow thoughts.

  After freshing up, stood near the door of the Train, watching the fields, the sunrise, clear sky and was sipping tea when the Phone rang again, at sharp 6:00 AM. This time no wrong guesses, I was sure it was Ranjan. “Hi Ranjan, I think its still a long way to Kacheguda, I don’t know where I am – haven’t passed a station yet” Ranjan replied “I will come to Nampally Station man, you get down there man” I acknowledged “Surething Ranjan, that’s very kind of you” then came his question again, and all his questions are dumb ones “Where are you now?” I said “I don’t know where I am – I haven’t crossed any station yet, when I will find out I will text you” Ranjan would not give up right at that, he always has a point to prove that he is smart. NO NO He wants to prove he is the smartest. He added “Alright what do you see outside, big rock or small rock man?” , I was wondering what type of a question is that? I mean what would anyone see outside of a train in a country side? I replied “I see trees and farms and some mountains” Ranjan said “Okay, the mountains are very far?” I replied “Yes, I think so” I didn’t want him to ask me next how far are the mountains or how clear is the sky etc.,., Ranjan responded “The trees, the trees are tall ones with a lot of leaves or short dry thorny ones” What a genius, I replied “No Ranjan, they are jus trees, I guess with lot of leaves” Then he said a name of a place and said “Oh okay, you are near XYZ place, it will take an hour to reach, I will call you then”.

  Phew. Went back to my berth, sat back and started reading Dan Brown’s Da Vinci, Ranjan had his effect on people. I was already feeling like never to talk to him again in my entire life. He was relocating to Pune after my team had made numerous complaints against him to the Management who had decided to send him away from all and give him something else to which he might fit. Boy, I thought that would only be a mental asylum where he would fit in, he seriously needed medical attention and a psychologist's advise. To add to this, I had given him a place to stay in my room in Pune for an entire month and a half for free, plus had made arrangements so that he could keep his Car in my neighbour’s parking space. I was worried how I will bear him for that long and what will my other roommate say. Well, I sometimes overshow care and respect perhaps knowing this guy was an annoying intolerable junk. 

Phone rang again, “WHERE ARE YOU?” was the same common question,  I replied “Ranjan I crossed Vikrabad junction” I thought since he is so familiar with the trees and birds and landscape he would as well know the station, but to my surprise he added “Vikrabad? – what? Oh no! Are you in the right train? You get Vikrabad when you go to Delhi” I was dumbstruck with his question. I was sure I am in the right train, but was not sure if I was talking to the right person. Well I replied “Ranjan, I will call you when I reach, I will come home by myself, don’t worry I am in the right Train” by the time I could complete “oh yes yes, I just saw in google, you are in the right train, and only 30 km away from the station. Fine, there is an expected train crossing, usually they stop there. So I will start late, you call me”

 I reached Nampally, I got down, called Ranjan “Hi Ranjan, I reached the Nampally station” His probing skills still continued “Which side are you, there is a SBI ATM on one side and a PAN Shop on the otherside. If you see a big mango tree then come to the other side where you don’t see the tree but an SBI ATM” I said alright. I found the SBI ATM, Exited the station, and after waiting for 40 minutes, Ranjan arrived in his golden hatchback Hyundai Santro.  He gave me that smile with unbrushed slimy yellow teeth sparkling between his dry black lips from the windshield of his car, as if he was advertising his ill hygiene and I smiled back and got in the car. He didnt wait to boast and he said “ I was fast no, see? I came in 10 minutes, I am very good at driving, in 3 years, I have never put the break even once. I control the car in gear only” I didn’t know what to say, how to react, I decided to agree, may be he never used the breaks because he drove very slow or very less, may be, so I replied “very well Ranjan, no wonder you are a pro, you’re so amazing, yes, you came in 9.9 minutes. (as if I had a timer on, In fact I had waited for a goddamn 40 minutes, I would’ve gone home half an hour ago if I had walked you moron). Note that it was my first driving experience with him. He got all pumped up with my comment, rather with my flatter. Michael Schumacher got into him and he started driving like a “MANIAC” . in the small lane where cows and dogs are not the only commuters, you could see tones of hyderabadis and rough rogue ones swarming the streets as if they are on a mission to destroy earth with a stampede.

Nothing could dampen our never use break hero Ranjan. He still drove, maneuvering the car between people, drifting around the ever slow cows, yelling at the Auto rickshawalas, he somehow managed to retain his cadre and reputation of driving superstar. But for me, I was holding onto everything I could in the car, I felt I will die. He never stopped honking with a split second gap, He was pressing the horn as if it was a piano and he was the fastest player. He was going all over the place, jumping all the road hump, skidding at the potholes, oh it was a nightmare for me. He yelled at almost everyone I would rather go to a theme park for a thrill, why did I even sit in his car? At one point, he almost ran over an old lady, almost. The car just brushed her arms and surprisingly she was fast for her age, she reacted to the incoming car and jumped away to safety and started yelling all curses and bad words at Ranjan, by the tone I understood her words were really dirty, very sick and thought something terrible is about to happen. Ranjan “What a horrible city, everything here is bad. SecunderaBAD, HyderaBAD, no power, no water, and all illiterate people” I thought, how illiterate he could be, he would top the list of negligent inhumane moron drivers list ever.

We entered the BHEL-Chandanagar street, the road was wide as it’s NH11, traffic got a bit easy and less dense, but his honking got faster and faster. I could feel that his honking is directly proportional to the Blood Pressure of his heart. The higher his pulserate was getting the higher he was getting on his Temper. I pitied the horn, and I wished that it will forever malfunction and stop honking and may be he will learn to drive like a civilized man. Honking get even hotter when a Bike guy did not leave him any space on the right. Though there was so much of a space, Ranjan wanted to teach the bike guy a lesson. When he honks the rest of the world should park their vehicles away and not drive. According to him he should be the only one driving on the road. He would honk even if he detects a microbacteria on his path.

  Poor bike guy now had to confront, but, he had a power which Ranjan did not have. He was a Hyderabadi, they don’t hear honks or respond to it. No matter how tough one gets, Hyderabadis get tougher than the other, they are literally thickskinned. If there would be a war, hire Hyderabadis they will win against anyone. The biker did not give Ranjan any space or show any response to his maniac nonstop horn. Ranjan tried all type of combinational Rhythmic horn. But he was high on temper. I thought he will murder the Biker and eat him. The way his hands were impatiently punching the steering, I could feel the hit on the biker’s face. He was sweating and breathing hard, grasping the steering hard and punching it with his right hand, he kept beating it as if it was the biker’s face. Ranjan tored down the steering action as if he was ripping the intestines out of that Biker.

  Finally Biker gave up, to my surprise, he left way for Ranjan to go. Ranjan was still full with Rage, angry, and in destruction mode. He lowered the window and I thought he will use a BC or a MC curse or use a Tamil Gaali and something dirty will come out from a MAN afterall who has never hit the break was made to hit the break for the first time in 3 years. His reputation was at stake, I was watching. I was sure Ranjan would stop the biker, punch him, eat him, destroy or murder him with a lot of Gaalis. He started saying BBBB bbbbb mmmbbbbb bbbbmmmmm, I though hez trying to say a Behan C*** or a Madar C**** bBBbMMMBBB He put his head out of the window and all he said was “YOU BUFFALO!!!” and that too after the biker had gone far far away. He picked me up cuz he wanted money to shift his house from Hyderabad to Pune.

I understood this guy is a Coward, lunatic, big headed egomaniac who yaps off himself, boasting stupid guy. I could never forget this ride and I would forever want to keep away from this idiot who recognizes trees, who never hits the brakes, how is a superhero Rajanikanth. There will be more stories of this lunatic which I have encountered. Will share them all, hope you all had a good laugh. Feel free to leave your comments.